How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie? His lips begin to move.

How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in the road and a coyote
lying dead in the road? With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? How many can you afford?
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An attorney passed on and found himself in heaven, but not at all happy with his
accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to
appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but
was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be
heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words
fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, which told him that he would
be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to
change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in
Hell, he was told, "We have all of the judges."
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The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats
for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given
three reasons for this decision:
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they
did to the rats.
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.
They said the only problem was that it is difficult to extrapolate the results to fit
humans.
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 What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can't understand.

 What is the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? With a porcupine,
the pricks are on the outside!

Why are lawyers great in bed? They get so much practice screwing people.

It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end-to-end, on the equator, it would be a
good idea to just leave them there.

Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.