THE BOOK OF HG

IN THE BEGINNING the Creator, God the Father, conceived a Universe which should be the perfection of all possible creations and began so to do. After each session by His omnipotence He squeezed His work into a ball of infinite smallness. As He proceeded He found that the problems of creation were,as He in His omniscience had foreseen, complex enough to engage even His powers to their fullest extent; for instance, even after billions of years spent creating, there were still Black Holes to be dealt with. On one occasion, after a particularly tricky bit of intelligent designing, he sank into the Holy Seat with a sigh and poured himself a glass of the Holy Spirit - uisge beatha, the Water of Life. Unfortunately, His hands were shaking and he spilled a few drops on to His work in progress. As luck would have it, God the Son, who as yet was only God the Baby, had escaped the attentions of God the Mother, who was cooking the Father's dinner, and got hold of the Divine matches. He approached too near the uncompleted Creation and lo! BIG BANG - made bigger and bangier by the spirituous fumes of the Water of Life. Hence the rapid expansion of our imperfect Universe, evolving in ways not wholly in accordance of the Father's plan and under the influence of the Water of Life developing such phenomena as human beings, Vogons, Klingons, Time Lords and all the other myriad life forms which now infest the Universe.

God the Son was punished for his interference by being made to suffer the painful experience of Time while undergoing a sentence of Community Service on an insignificant planet in a minor galaxy near the edge of the Universe (this was the divine equivalent of being made to sit on the Naughty Step for five minutes).